FROM CONTROL TO FREEDOM: MY JOURNEY THROUGH DISORDERED EATING
by Madison Schnarr
Growing up, I was the kind of kid who took pride in discipline.
I always competed in the highest level of sports and I got into modelling at a young age. I liked structure, control, and the idea that hard work equaled success. By my teens, this mindset had bled into my body image, shaping how I ate, exercised, and, eventually, how I viewed my self-worth. Being exposed to the modeling industry at a young age the pressures got to me. Constantly trying to lose “the last 5 pounds”. I always needed to be the skinniest person in the room to feel comfortable.
At first, it looked and felt like I was just being “healthy”—cutting calories, training hard, setting goals. But it wasn’t long before those goals became rules. Then the rules became restrictions. Then restrictions became punishments.
Disordered eating did not just announce itself at the door. It snuck in, disguising itself as “just being careful” or “just trying to be fit.” Before I knew it, I was controlling everything.
For most of my teens and 20s, I lived in a cycle of restriction, over-exercising, bingeing, and destructive thoughts about my body. If I wasn’t meticulously tracking every calorie, I was drowning in guilt over anything that didn’t fit my self-imposed diet rules.
At its worst, my eating disorder dictated my entire life. Social events revolved around whether or not I could control my food intake. My mood was dictated by the number on the scale. I would wake up thinking about food, go to sleep planning how to burn it off and spend every moment in between battling the voice in my head that told me I was never enough.
The statistics on eating disorders are staggering—millions struggle with them, yet so few talk about it openly. For years, I was one of them. I was convinced that my suffering was just “discipline” rather than the deep issue that it really was.
I didn’t have a clear-cut moment of when it all began. It wasn’t like breaking a bone, where someone tells you exactly what’s wrong and how to fix it. Instead, it was years of denial, hiding my behaviors, and convincing myself that I was in control—when in reality, the disorder was controlling me.
I remember moments that should have been wake-up calls.
Walking around like a zombie most of my life. Friends expressing concern. Even when I looked my absolute best I was the most insecure. But I brushed it all off and never really stopped to look inward. I wanted what I wanted and that was all that mattered. But the truth was, my body was fighting me badly. My energy levels were wrecked, my hormones were a mess, and my mental health was in constant turmoil. I was trapped in a cycle of self-destruction, and I didn’t know how to get out.
Healing wasn’t instant or easy, and it sure as hell wasn’t linear. I had to unlearn everything I thought I knew about food, training, and self-worth. Therapy helped me understand the deeper issues—because, let’s be real, disordered eating is rarely just about food. It’s about control, about self-perception, about trying to fill a void with numbers and measurements.
I had to learn to eat without fear, to listen to my body, to enjoy foods I loved guilt free, and to accept that my worth had nothing to do with the shape of my body. The hardest part? Letting go of the identity I had built around my disorder. Who was I if I wasn’t “the disciplined one”? Who was I if I wasn’t constantly chasing perfection?
There wasn’t one single moment that changed everything. Instead, it was a series of small shifts over months and months. But one of the biggest turning points came when I realized that my obsession with control was robbing me of actual joy. I was missing out on experiences, relationships, and the chance to fully live.
Getting out of it wasn’t—and isn’t—perfect.
There were and still are setbacks. There were days when the old thoughts crept in, whispering their lies. But over time, they got quieter. I still have thoughts from time to time but I now have the tools to quiet them.
Resilience isn’t about never struggling again—it’s about choosing, every day, to fight for yourself. Having a support system is paramount. Surrounding myself with people who valued me beyond my body, who reminded me that I was more than what I ate or how I trained, was crucial.
Jamie Watling Photographer & Friend
I met Photographer Jamie Watling several years ago when I was starting to come out on the other side of my disorder. I booked a photoshoot with him that I will never forget. He made me feel amazing every step of the process. I had a personal goal set of getting published and not only did Jamie get me published, but he pushed me solo to a big opportunity and landed me an International ISSA Ad Campaign that was in several magazines including Oxygen, Train Magazine ( Both His and Her editions ). This helped my confidence tenfold.
( Below are Madison’s original posts when releasing the news about the Ad Campaign / Print )
Landing Madison Schnarr an International Ad Campaign
WOOOOO lol
Now? My life is full
I train because I love the way movement makes me feel, not because I need to punish myself. I eat foods that nourish me, but I also eat for pleasure—without guilt. I show up for my relationships, my work, and myself in ways I never could when my world revolved around restriction.
I still have days where the old patterns try to resurface…
but the difference is, now I see them for what they are. And I choose differently. If you’re in the middle of this battle, I want you to know that you are not weak. You are not broken. And you are not alone. The voice that tells you you’ll never be enough is lying. The idea that your worth is tied to how much you weigh, what you eat, or how hard you train? It’s a trap. And you don’t have to live that way forever.
Taking the First Steps to Healing
I know how it feels to be trapped in the never-ending cycle of guilt and control—a cycle that once defined my every moment. When I finally admitted to myself that I needed help, it was the first courageous step toward reclaiming my life. I learned that healing begins by acknowledging that you deserve more than constant self-criticism and isolation.
Start small. Reach out to someone who genuinely listens—whether it’s a close friend or a family member. For me, opening up was terrifying, but it was also the moment I began to see a path out of the darkness. Next, find a therapist or counselor who truly understands the complexities of disordered eating. Their guidance can help you untangle the emotions and habits that feel so overwhelming. I spent hours educating myself about my condition, not to feel bogged down by statistics, but to realize that my struggle was shared by many—and that recovery was possible.
Connecting with a community, even an online one, helped me feel less alone. Every small victory—like eating a meal without fear or enjoying movement for its own sake—became a milestone worth celebrating. Remember, healing isn’t linear. Embrace every setback as part of the journey and treat yourself with the same kindness you’d offer someone you deeply care about.
If my story resonates with you, or if you’re standing at the beginning of your own journey and need someone who understands, I’m here. I know firsthand how isolating this battle can feel, and I’d be honored to walk part of the path with you.
Feel free to drop me a message. Click on the REEL below to be taken to Jamie and I’s IG pages.
Thank you to Jamie Watling for thinking of me for this feature section he has created on his website. I’m honoured to be part of his Wellness Warriors series!
- Email: [email protected]
- Instagram: @madison.phases.of.fit
- @jamiewatling
Healing is possible. Freedom is possible. And you deserve both.
Keep fighting. Keep choosing yourself. Because you are worth it.
Click the poster to view our REEL 🙂
Check out some more Published work – Click Image Below
